Year: 2008

Now I know sumthin’ ’bout birthin’ babies

Tonight was our last birthing class. Apparently our spawn will not remain inside The Woman forever, and will indeed come out in a somewhat disturbing… uh… I mean beautiful way. Alright, let’s face it. These days we have unlimited access to TV shows covering every conceivable scenario when it comes to giving birth – and in rather graphic detail. So by the time you make it to these classes, you should have a pretty darn good idea of what lay ahead.

Nevertheless, when going through this information – especially in video form – along with total strangers, many glances and nervous laughs will be exchanged. Sooner or later all of the men will hone in on the same thought, “Thank god it’s not me.” We just do not have the natural fortitude to handle childbirth. That’s not just me trying to score points with the misses – it’s an honest assessment. The human race would have died off long ago if the genders switched childbearing rolls.

Humorously, after watching the explicit video during the first class, it was one of the expectant mothers than turned around and said, “Did that freak you guys out?” But, to be fair, her husband might have simply been in shock.

Tonight may have been the most traumatizing personally. We covered the epidural and – holy crap – that thing looks worse than the pain. I mean, let’s get one thing straight: I’m the man. The extent of my discomfort will be lack of sleep and maybe a sore hand if she squeezes too hard. So I have absolutely no say about medication. The Woman gets what The Woman wants. But I have to admit that after seeing the epidural and hearing about the drawbacks *shudder* attempting to keep it natural has so much more appeal. Especially when it was pointed out that the husband is often kicked out of the room for it partially because he might PASS OUT… W!T!F! Are you serious? At least the videos of cesareans took my mind off that…

In all honesty, the class was pretty useful in evening out the expectations. The teacher was a birthing doula and presented all of the options in a very straightforward and unbiased way. Unfortunately that still doesn’t change the fact that… HOLY CRAP!… I’m going to be a DAD in under TWO MONTHS…

Maybe that means it’s time for me to stop posting to my blog at midnight… the again, when else will I be able to?

The dandelion crop looks good this year

Those of you who have visited my humble abode have probably noticed there’s a certain section that I’m not exactly… er… proud of. Even though we’re excited about the kitchen renovation, there’s still a certain charm to the existing one, so it’s not that. The awkward shape of our “master suite” has served us well no matter how much I’d like to expand it (well, at least raise the roof a couple feet). And despite it’s semi-frequent floods, the basement is still the site of future cool endeavors that I can pseudo-brag about…

No, the overgrown and disheveled mess that is my yard offers the most embarrassment to me. And considering that most of my neighbors spend hours every weekend outside or pay for a service to do it for them the difference is… well… you get the idea. I mean, I use a push reel mower. No, I’m not talking about a push versus riding mower, I’m talking about one of those old-fashioned manual ones with no engine. So you can see just how seriously I take the outside maintenance.

This year was going to be different, though. I think I actually mowed my lawn before anyone else. The next weekend I spent a few hours removing what appeared to be barbed wire that had grown wild in the back. But just in time for me to do more work in the front – BAM! – the water heater went. And we got lots of rain. And suddenly spring kicked into full gear. And suddenly I walk outside to find the grass not only several inches taller, but filled with hundreds of dandelions. Because, you know, I was running out of challenges around here.

Walking by the disaster zone was a tad depressing, but between work and the more pressing needs inside the house there was no time left for cleaning up. And so I can’t say it was exactly a surprise when I cam home Thursday night with enough daylight left that I decided it was time to make things right that I found this in the mail:

Mow your lawn or else!

Awesome! I was honestly threatened to have my lawn ticketed. Is that the lamest way to break the law or what? Could you imagine if they actually dragged me to court because I was working too late and didn’t want to make my pregnant wife take care of the yard? Brilliant! The funniest part is that we always wondered what it would take to get one of these notices, and knowing is half the battle… Personally I think it was the dandelions that did me in. When all was said and done, they pretty much filled a large garbage bag – I almost feel bad not making a case of wine out of them. But after they were removed, the tall field of grass that remained wasn’t that bad. Of course now that’s it’s cut, there’s a little less personality to our property…

Just kidding, the place looks a lot less white trash, and I’m sure my neighbors appreciate that. Still, there’s part of me that wants to call up about the notice and go on some rant about how my taxes pay their salary and with the ridiculous costs of living in West Orange they should be mowing my lawn for me. Where would I be without righteous indignation?

Anyway, now that the front is looking normal, I guess it’s time to toss some gasoline and a match out back to clean up the rest…

The good luck was bound to run out…

Here at the Slattery household, we can’t help but feel a tad blessed of late. Lots of good things have happened, from my game show appearance to The Woman’s growing belly. But we knew that something somewhat bad had to happen to slightly balance it out. And so, instead of telling you about the kitchen renovation plans, the great deals we got on the last appliances, or my big upgrade purchase I get to wonder about why I didn’t buy this emergency water pump during the big flood last year…

This morning I was awoken by The Woman commenting that there was no hot water. There have definitely been a few mornings when my shower has been on the cool side or shortened because I was second in line, but no hot water at all is a real conundrum. Everything else was running just fine, so it’s not like PSE&G decided to cut us off because I still can’t figure out the stupid login for the account. So I headed down to the basement to check on the flame and hopefully get it back up and running in no time.

Unfortunately as I approached the basement door I heard a sound I definitely did not want to hear – running water… Crap. At first glance the floor looked to have only a few puddles, but those were apparently just reflections. Because once I threw my sandals on, I found myself sloshing through 2-3 inches of water to get to the shutoff valve. Yeehaw! For those of you who don’t know how water heaters work, just realize that it’s about the same as a pipe in that if it breaks… well… there’s nothing to stop the flow of water.

The frustrating thing is that we’ve been having discussions about replacing the stupid thing this summer. But there were no real indications (at least in my mind) that an upgrade was a huge priority. Certainly nothing that said a flood was imminent.

At least just about everything was moved off the ground due to the previous flooding problems. It looks like just some CDs and DVDs that were on the lowest shelves may be ruined, and the pump from Home Depot did a pretty good job so far with some more clean up work to be done tonight. So we still can’t complain that much, but this is more than just a minor inconvenience since the hot water is off until a plumber can come by. Not to mention, I don’t feel very eco-friendly wasting a few hundred gallons of water to wash the basement floor…

Links you might like

I said I would do this last week, and yet here these links still have not been… linked?

That last one reminds me – who’s up for Lost tonight?

Grown-up decision time

Hey, remember that TV show I was on? And I won a bunch of money? And I made a comment about remodeling our kitchen? You don’t? What the hell is wrong with you?!?!

For those of you paying attention, the comment about the kitchen wasn’t just me trying to get quality, non-dork, face time on TV. Next to paying down credit cards, that was the number one option The Woman and I had decided upon for spending any significant winnings that might befall us. Actually, there was a more complicated mental list that included completely renovating the second floor, but wussing out on the Rudyard Kipling guess prevented that plan…

For now let’s just say that the kitchen is job number one… alright, the growing baby is job number one. So we’re back to calling it number two. You all still following? Great. The point is that we’ve talked to a few places about remodeling costs, and it looks like we’re ready to move forward. But there’s still some hemming and hawing and hand wringing (by me) as various numbers have begun to crawl ever upward. Sure, the cabinets are fairly reasonable, even with all of the upgrades, but the extra work to make sure the entire room is completely up to snuff has squashed any notion that we’d be able to do multiple jobs (i.e. fix up a bathroom) this year, and also has me worried about longterm effects.

When it comes down to it, our kitchen is totally functional as it stands. Now that we’ve replaced our broken oven and upgraded the refrigerator to a decently-sized unit, cooking has become less of a chore. So the debate has become whether a full remodel is excessive or a sound investment. Guarantee me that we’re still living in this house in 10 years and it’s a no-brainer. However the skyrocketing property taxes in my county suggest that is not a certainty.

But there’s no two ways about it – we either do all of the work or none of it. I made a decision not to half-ass things with the house. Ripping out old, poorly configured cabinets and replacing them with new, poorly configured cabinets is a waste of money. Tearing up an old, sagging tile floor and replacing it with a new, sagging tile floor is a waste of money. Ignoring plumbing problems when everything is going to be completely exposed for a week is just asking for it to comeback to haunt you further down the road. Couple these things with issues like questionable lighting and outlets, an undersized pantry, and a lack of a dishwasher and there’s plenty for the contractor to do.

But what would you leave off? Skipping work to save one or even two thousand dollars right now will just leave me aggravated when I realize how much it will cost to fix things later.

We may still skimp on the demo work, because apparently soffits in kitchens are some sort of magical contraption that more than doubles the cost for contractors. I’ve got a sledgehammer and a case of Yuengling that says my friends can make short work of it. Still, something tells me that my engineering degree still isn’t enough to confidently wire new electrical outlets next to a gas pipe.

This decision was a hell of a lot easier when we were just looking at cabinets and DIY installation…

Only me…

I didn’t bring an extra battery with me for my camera. I forgot to check the charge on the battery that was already in my camera. That meant that I didn’t get to take many photos tonight. Where was I? At Maxwell’s watching motherf’ing Moby shred the stage apart. Me. The guy who carries over $1500 worth of camera gear in a backpack just to go to the mall couldn’t be bothered to make sure everything was set for an incredible opportunity. Only me.

At least the show was phenomenal – more on that elsewhere…

Training Diary: Day… something

Dear Diary… Haha, just kidding. It was fun writing a couple diary posts, but that joke could get old. But I have been keeping up with my biking for the most part. Not everyday, but at least every other day. As easy as it has always been to get back into biking shape, there is one major inhibitor this time around: those damned hills!

Alright, I’m sure my advancing age plays a factor in some of aches and near collapses, but riding a few miles around the neighborhood hasn’t really worn me down. It’s that last leg as I try to keep the pedals moving up the mountain. This geographical limitation means that I’ve only been going a couple miles in the morning (averaging 2.5 this week), but on the weekend I was able to take advantage of a nearby park to put in over 7 miles on the bike. Unfortunately there is still no path that allows me to go downhill in both directions.

But at least I learned something new about the human body. According to the Gate-Control Theory, the brain has a way of limiting what pain gets through so that you’re not overwhelmed by everything at once. Thus it wasn’t until after my stomach settled the other day and I managed to avoid vomiting following my foolish 4 plus mile ride that I noticed my lungs were on the verge of collapsing… Hmm, maybe my brain should rethink the order of things. Or do I have to fear wasting half an hour stretching out my strained calves after a ride only to realize HOLY CRAP! I was shot in the arm! Thanks brain, maybe that pain should have taken priority over the leg cramp…

Hopefully you all realize everything written here should be taken with a grain of salt. The last thing I need is to find out someone set themselves on fire or shot their foot while trying out some sort of pain experiment they read on a blog…

Friday Web Fun

In a nutshell, the Democrats believe the government should bail out individuals who made stupid (i.e., greedy) decisions about getting a mortgage they had no hope of ever repaying. In contrast, the Republican believes the government should bail out banks and brokers who made stupid (i.e., greedy) decisions about issuing mortgages to people who had no hope of ever repaying them.

  • Yet another great webcomic for me to follow – Savage Chickens. Monday’s comic explains how I finally to convert The Woman into a real Internet user.
  • I’ve been remiss in pointing out Stuff White People Like, but I’m assuming you all know about it by now. The site is essentially 50% laughing at myself for fitting a stereotype and 50% laughing at other people who follow a stereotype. Today’s entry on “Free Healthcare” is another great one:

Though their passion for national health care runs deep, it is important to remember that white people are most in favor of it when they are healthy. They love the idea of everyone have equal access to the resources that will keep them alive, that is until they have to wait in line for an MRI.

This is very similar to the way that white people express their support for public schools when they don’t have children.

I feel like there was more, but that should tide you over for now.

Training Diary: Day 2

Dear Diary,

Why is it so cold in the morning? Even bundled up I got chilly and couldn’t feel my fingers. But I biked because its important. And you know what? I went almost 4 miles! Pretty soon, I’ll run out of fingers to count! It was fun, until that stupid hill. Why is that hill so mean? When I got home I almost throwed up. Mommy says I’ll get used to it. I’m not sure if she meant the hill or throwing up.

Your friend,

Thom

P.S. I really hate that stupid hill!

Training Diary: Day 1

Dear Diary,

Today I took out my brand new bike for my first ride. It’s so pretty, I really, really like it a lot! It was so cold this morning, I almost frozed my fingers! But I rode anyway. I went all the way down this big hill. And then I went all the way back up the same hill. I must have gone almost a whole mile! But then I was really tired, so I went home. The end.

Your friend,

Thom

P.S. Why does my chest hurt?

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