I am old and out of shape

This afternoon we went to the in-laws for some sort of celebration. Someone turned 3 or 38 or something, I don’t know. It was a very pleasant afternoon and The Woman decided to take a dip in the pool with her niece and nephew. Having a healthy distrust of the effects of water gulped in large quantities and shunted down the wrong pipe, I opted to observe from the dry land. Of course, this means that you must get involved in playtime with the kiddies in far more obtuse ways.

So when the little boy decided that I was a monster trying to reach him from the side of the pool, I found myself slowly walking around making him squeal with delight as he quickly splashed away in the opposite direction. But that wasn’t enough – at least not for me. Soon I started ducking out of view (oh, wait, did I mention that this was an above ground pool?) and popping up in a different spot to catch him off guard. Great idea, until you find yourself bent over awkwardly and sprinting in circles in way not intended by the design of our bodies.

Eventually, being the 30 year-old man that I am, I tired and decided to take a break. And as I trotted off for a beer my thighs let me know just how much wrong I had done them. Suddenly my legs felt as those steel bars half an inch shorter than they should be had replaced my muscles. This must be what happens to your body when you don’t exercise – who knew?

I spent the rest of the day stumbling around and avoiding steps when necessary. Boy, did I need a massage. And then it dawned on me: didn’t I marry a massage therapist? After a little fact-finding I confirmed that she was, in deed, a massage therapist – which explained that padded table taking up the middle of the office and all of the creams and oils around it. That sure hit the spot.

The Woman always asks me if her massages feel good, but I have to admit that by the time I actually get her to work on me, I am in such pain that any amount of pressure is going to hurt; but it sure feels great after the fact. Relaxation massages are fantastic, and I believe everybody should get them, I just don’t want to take advantage of our marital bond too much. Although it is the ultimate way to get my body to just shut up and collapse.

There is however the other effect of getting such a massage. Your entire body relaxes and certain human function can arise at an inopportune moment to cause a very embarrassing situation. I refer, of course, to the digestive processes that release rather unpleasant odors with often humorous sounds accompanying them. In other words, DO NOT EAT A MISSION BURRITO BEFORE A MASSAGE. Otherwise, you can expect to not relax one iota as you spend the entire 50 minutes concentrating on clenching your ass cheeks as tightly as possible and the potential damage that might be caused if you fail.

Thankfully, our relationship has moved well beyond that stage. Actually, with our combined digestive problems, you could even say we’ve learned to embrace the next stage. But that’s an entirely different way to relax…

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

When some guy makes a homemade video for a Daft Punk song doing some lame hand-jig you know it’s going to be crappy, right? Wrong. About 50 seconds in you’ll see how creative this is. Another minute and you’ll be really impressed. After that you’ll be floored that he can keep up with the music.

It reminds me of the Basement Jaxx video for “Do Your Thing” – which makes me want a t-shirt with a drawing of a trumpet on it.

And then I shall laugh at them…

You know what would be awesome? If I could just filter the Internet to get rid of the non-stop iPhone talk these days. I really don’t care guys. You can all rush out and blow 600 bucks on a phone if you really want, but it won’t make me think anymore of you. In fact, it’ll make me think less.

Actually, just filter that news until August or September. By then, people will start to realize just how much it cost them to kill their old contracts, that they are now stuck with the worst-rated wireless company, and that said company is totally cool with spying on them. Yeah, once those reports start rolling in, send them my way.

Tab clearance 2007-06-12

Wow, I’ve had a lot of tabs open for a couple of weeks – let’s go through this crap and get it out of the way:

That sure does clear up my browser!

Rodrigo y Gabriela

Always behind the time with Internet sensations, I finally acquired Rodrigo y Gabriela’s debut album from eMusic. I haven’t even made it through the entire thing yet because every time I hit the end of a track I need to hear it again. Seriously, these songs should be 30 minutes long they are so engaging. Although the eMusic message boards were all a-twitter about them awhile ago, this is the video that first introduced them to me:

Yes, they are that amazing. If that music doesn’t just grab and inspire you, well, you better check with your doctor because I’m pretty sure you’re dead.

Normally this would be a pleasant experience

I was poking around my Netflix queue this morning (we’ve been very slow with movies, that’s why I haven’t posted another round of reviews) and noticed a “Watch Now” tab. Apparently it’s been up there for almost half a year, but I’m not that observant. But, hey, 4 or 5 months? I’m sure I’m still the first blogger to mention it, right? Yeah, right.

Anywho, since I had a few moments to kill before I’d be running late for work, I figured it would be a good time to try out the service. So I looked for a movie that The Woman would not be interested in but was lingering somewhere on my queue. When I saw Phantasm listed I knew that was the one. Surprisingly easy to setup, the movie started playing after only a few minutes. Time to get my late 70s horror on!

I was surprised at the cheesiness of the opening music. I mean, I know it was low-budget, but it started off sounding pretty lame. But the soundtrack left my mind pretty quickly when the opening shot shifted to a nipple just about filling my screen. Wait, what was that? Yes, it was a nipple. A giant nipple. Well, I guess it was actually normal size and just seemed giant on the 20″ display. Either way, it was rather confusing. And it was a nipple.

And then I looked at the list again and noticed what might be the problem: I had apparently downloaded Fantasm – soft-core porn disguised as a sex comedy. Whoops, guess I’ll have to remember to double check titles in the future…