Words fail. Brain shuts down. ARGH!!! It’s not like I was expecting much, but this movie was so terrible. It was mildly scary at certain points, but mostly just laughable. I’m serious about words failing – I planned on using the word retardation, but that simply isn’t strong enough. It’s more like horetardousable. I don’t know what that means, but I’ll figure it out. For now, the definition is any movie with the name Darkness Falls.
So many holes. Such a horrible script. Why the tooth fairy, why?!?! Something coming out of the dark is a cool idea and looks real nifty – why not just make it the giant rat from Chuck E. Cheese’s (is his name actually Chuck?). I honestly want to poke my eyes out in retribution for having watched the whole movie. How the hell could this stupid witch grab a guy next to a lighthouse light, yet be afraid of a little glow stick? Is it that difficult to not look at something in the dark? Why is the 24 year-old town hottie still hung up on the psycho 9 year-old boy next door? Aren’t there any other women in the town, besides the bitches in the nut house? Why couldn’t this have been rated R? Maybe then we could have at least seen Emma Caulfield (who certainly isn’t 24) naked.
Why the hell would you call your town Darkness Falls? I mean, why not just call it Bad Town, Murder City, or Evilville? I try to ignore simple problems with most movies – you can shoot holes in any plot, especially horror flics – but sometimes you just have to say “What is wrong with these people?!?!” You live in a creepy town with a twisted name and some demented old history complete with a curse. So what do you do? You buy a house with a mile long hallway and very few lights – which you don’t bother turning on to check for monsters. Ok, maybe that last part is a little more acceptable, but if I ever have kids I’m gonna make full-blown monster protection suits and have proper procedures for checking their rooms. I sure as hell don’t want to be the parent who ends up finding out that the monster under my kid’s bed is the one that’s actually real.
And one more thing – you live in Darkness Falls? Get a damn backup generator!! I’ve never seen a town that has more electricity problems (or sells so many crappy flashlights). Makes me wonder what kind of problems they have in Buttzville, NJ…
“Get out from under the bed, there’s nothing to worry about.” (Growl) (Screech) “OK, let’s stay under the bed.”
– Emma Caulfield, Darkness Falls
It’s been far too long. I had trouble getting tickets to the last Pearl Jam tour, so I skipped it. I swore it would never happen again. Last night I got to see them at Nassau Coliseum. My sixth show, but the first in 4 and a half years. They were so awesome. I wish I could be a tad more … descriptive … but words fail me. They are, without a doubt, the greatest band I’ve ever seen. Everyone I’ve taken to shows with me has agreed that their live shows have no comparison.
Opening with “The Long Road” just completely got me in the mood. I was worried about the seats I got for me and my sister because I got them so late, but we had no problem seeing anything. Unfortunately, the sound wasn’t that great – it gets muffled in the back seats by the overhang. Eventually we walked down to the railing at the front of the section and watched the last hour and a half of the show from there. Nobody bothered us – it was great.
It’s so tough to choose highlights because there were so many great moments. “Even Flow” was probably the best version I’ve ever heard of that song – they continued rocking for well past the normal end of the song. The crowd was screaming along with all of their classics, like “Alive” and “Animal.” The major highlight of the evening is that they played “Crazy Mary”. It’s a Victoria Williams song that they covered for the Sweet Relief album and I never thought I’d hear it live. What an amazing performance. Oh yeah, “Betterman” was absolutely beautiful.
And the best part of their shows is how much better all of their music sounds afterward. I just can’t get enough. And it’s getting me more into their latest album Riot Act. If you order the bootlegs, they even give you the ability to d/l mp3s of the show like an hour after it’s over. I’m going to wait until I know for sure if I’m going to any other shows (more tix go on sale Saturday) before I start ordering. Until then…