How not to move a bed

More importantly, how do I tell this story? There are so many ways for me to try to convey the sheer stupidity and absurdity of just a few hours of time. I could use a list, like a real step-by-step instruction guide. Maybe some pictures would better hammer home the point. Then again, a simple storytelling is still one of the best forms of communications.

Of course, I could always just kick you in the crotch repeatedly to illustrate the process.

Let me start off by saying that one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen involved some bungee cord, a boxspring, and a minivan doing 40 MPH. Most importantly, I was in the driver’s seat.

After Lisa and I realized that we couldn’t get the boxspring and the mattress in the back of her Odyssey, we should have stopped there. Instead, we attempted to tie the boxspring to the roof rack with… I’m not making this up… twine! I mean, I knew it wouldn’t work, but for some reason I still tried it. This wasn’t even high quality twine. You’d have serious trouble keeping cardboard boxes tied together with this stuff. Still, I wrapped it around the wooden structure a few times and then tied it off. Well, “tried to tie it off,” I should say. As I began to explain to Lisa that this wouldn’t work, the “World’s Crappiest Twine” just snapped. Time for bungee cords!

I keep a couple bungees in my trunk in case of incidents like this (because they come up so often). Connecting pairs together, I wrapped them around the front and back of the boxspring. It seemed fairly secure, so we packed up and headed out. The telling sign of the day was that we didn’t even make it out of Montclair before needing to pull over. After our second turn I was able to pickup a little speed, and so I took her up to around 40. At that point, I notice the bottom of the bed dipping enough to be visible in the rear windshield. Once I pulled over, everything was back to normal. Now let’s think about this for a moment:

  • We’re in a minivan, so there’s no slant to the back of the roof.
  • This was a boxspring, not a mattress.
  • It was “secured” with stretchy material.

You got it, the boxspring must have stood completely vertical once I picked up speed only to be snapped back by the bungee cords when I stopped. I didn’t get to see it from outside, but the visual in my mind was probably the only thing that let me smile over the next couple hours. Seriously, that’s way cool. But it’s not a good idea to keep doing it, so I pulled the cords tighter and continued the trek to the Parkway.

Here are a few words of wisdom for drivers out there during events such as these: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! When you see an idiot driving a minivan with mattress or something strapped to the roof and his blinkers on, AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS! I drove in the freakin’ right lane the whole way, yet jackasses in their bimmers kept riding right up on my ass and wondering why I wouldn’t go faster, completely ignoring the four lanes to their left. We had some real tools who would quickly try to pass us on the right whenever another lane formed. I really wish the boxspring had just flown off at one of these points, because they would have deserved it.

It took us awhile, but we finally made it to Route 1. Thankfully there was a Home Depot right away. A quick shopping trip left us with a knife kit, some rope, and duct tape. I must say that Lisa and I did a fine job securing the mattress this time. Unfortunately, I felt the first drop of rain on my hand as we finished the last knot. I thought we might beat out the storm, so we headed over to a gas station, only to get caught in a torrential downpour while under the overhang. The guy at the counter was nice enough to sell me some of their own garbage bags. Equipped with the duct tape I went to town trying to cover up the bed. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I tried anyway.

We were able to drive upwards of 65 MPH at that point, but the rain continued, albeit much lighter than initially. We finally arrived at my sister’s bridal shower at 3 (it began at 2). I was rather flustered, but what are you going to do? I stuck around for a while and chatted with my family and grabbed some food (and some photos), then made my exit to unload that bastard of bed at my parents. After cooling off there for awhile, I head back to the shower, and spent the rest of the day with Lisa and my family.

There’s no real conclusion to this story. The boxspring is still sitting on my mom’s front porch in case it dries and can be used. I got to drink a lot of Spring Wine. Lisa is really good with my family. My sister showed me our cat Reggie’s final resting place (we lost him to cancer earlier this year). It only took me 1 hour and 20 minutes to make it back to Montclair. And in spite of the tension-filled beginning, Saturday was still a pretty good day.