I haven’t spoken about the Eagles since The Day After, even though I’m still active on the message board and have even visited training camp (I promise, pictures are coming). It will probably remain that way as I hope to pick up with posting over at Philly Sports Net now that the season is rapidly approaching. Still, you’d think I could at least make a comment about the media circus that Owens has made of the offseason…

I kept my mouth shut for most of the time, because a lot of it was blown way out of proportion and a lot of people are going to look like idiots if (as it now appears) he ends up playing the season and putting up great numbers. Yeah, I’m pissed at how he’s handled things and he does some to have the mental capacity of a child, but as long as he plays… I’m not saying I definitely want him back next season, but I’m happy this year.

Nevertheless, this letter from a “young fan” is absolutely hysterical:

Dear TO,

All I want is for the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. Before you came, the Eagles couldn’t even get to the Super Bowl. Then you came, and we were the best Eagles team I had ever seen. We got to the Super Bowl and almost won. You were awesome! I decided that with just a little more practice this year, we could win it all.

But then my dad told me that you might not be on the team anymore. I was really upset and cried. Then I watched the news and saw that you were crying too! This made me cry even more! You said you needed to feed your family. I asked my mom if maybe we could help feed your family so that you would stop crying and help us win the Super Bowl. My mom told me that the Eagles gave you over 9 million dollars last year and that you can afford to buy your own food. I told her that you were crying and maybe you had spent it all already. She told me you were going to get 3 million more dollars this year. I asked her how much a hot dog costs. That’s my favorite food! She told me they were 25 cents unless you buy them from the Eagles in which case they cost 5 dollars. I asked if she thought you could afford to buy enough hot dogs to feed your family and she said “Oh yeah”, but not in a normal way, she said “Oh yeah” in the way she says it when I ask her if I have to go to school or take a bath. I hate baths! I asked her how many hot dogs you could buy and she told me to figure it out myself. I had to get my calculator to do it and the answer was 12 million hot dogs! That’s a lot of hot dogs! But then I was thinking maybe you buy your hot dogs from the Eagles in which case they cost 5 dollars. So then I was thinking maybe you had more than 12 million people in your family. Do you? We have 4. 5 if you count my turtle. His name is Donovan McTurtle.

Then I saw you doing sit-ups in front of a mall. My dad told me that it was your house. So I asked my dad if 12 million people could fit in that house and he said “probably”. That’s when I realized that Eagles were being selfish and that the Eagles need to give you more money so that you can feed your entire family. And maybe they should make their hot dogs cheaper too. I thought this would help other people too because sometimes I eat a hot dog when my dad takes me to see you play.

But then I decided that maybe I could just start saving my hot dogs for you and that way I could help you feed all 12 million people in your family. So the other night when my mom made hot dogs, I sneaked 2 halves up to my room and put them in a drawer. But then I realized it would take me a very very very very very long time to have 12 million hot dogs and so I needed to get other people to help. So then I went around my neighborhood and asked people for hot dogs for you. But I got tired of telling them the whole story so I came up with a slogan that I thought might help everyone understand the situation. Then I tried to put the slogan on a shirt. At first the slogan was “For You T.O.” but I didn’t have enuff room for all of that so I just took the first letter of the “For” and just made the “You” a “U”, which is funny because that’s the way I always used to think it was spelled! So now my shirt says F.U.T.O!

I showed my dad the shirt and he laffed. He said it really got the message across. He said he knew lots of people that would wear that shirt. So that gave me another idea which was to try to sell the shirt itself! Which was a great idea because then I could just give the money to you to buy hot dogs for your humongous starving family that lives in a mall.

All for you TO!

F.U.T.O! Yours Truly, Jeremy

4 thoughts on “F.U.T.O!”

  1. His name is Donovan McTurtle
    I had to take a small break here, because I was eating lunch and didn’t want to choke while laughing…

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