First submission

From the das ich show, huh? well, pic from that show or not, it sure got me thinking.

i was on amazon and ebay looking to replace two comics i loaned you a few years ago, and they are now out of print, and too expensive for me to reacquire. i know i loaned you a hardcover edition of arkham assylum, and i’m pretty sure i loaned you some other books as well.

just so you know, the last few years were hell. its only been in that last few months that i’ve felt even a glimmer of normalcy, and even now, i face a very uphill battle against the basic costs of living as a normal human being.

it breaks my brain the sins that some people are permitted to get away with. some people are just permitted to fuck the world up, and for some reason, people seem able to forgive them, even if the whole mess was caused by selfishness or negligence.

in the last three years, i have not earned more than 17k in a year; i’ve lived off of rent and savings. I have tried, earnestly, to start new jobs, even begin new careers, but each attempt has resulted in a beating. a real beating. I’ve kept on, and it has certainly made me tougher, and perhaps even a little meaner. at the same time, it has deepened my feelings of empathy for others, and definitely made me more sensitive to the pain of others.

i was always odd like that. lets face it, people detested matt, whom i know you both remember, and detested. i stayed friends with matt because i knew he had nobody, and i knew what feeling like you had nobody is like. joe kramer might be another point…i was never able to not throw all my chips in on hands i know will loose. i’ve always sensed that a time like this would happen to me again…a time when i was totally alone. like a fool, i thought that being good to people would come back to me. i thought ex-coworkers would be willing to help me find work. i just never imagined things could just go from to bad to worse to significantly worse for such a long period of time. it was like the universe locked up and said “no josephs”. my very apartment has rebelled against my sanity, seriously, more times than i can count.

anyway, i knew i’d be alone. i had been there before, and i knew it was going to be hell. and i saw matt, alone. a place i had been and the place where i might be again some day. there was no way i could say no, matt, i, a man with hapiness to spare, will not be your friend. I could only say that to a person who had directly screwed me over or deserved it in some other general way.

well, now i’m even more sensitive. dumb movies are making me cry. the iron giant made me cry my eyes out. i try to help weak people find some teeth, still. i’ve actually, finally, made some new friends. okay, one, but she’s been good to me. she helped me get back on my feet when she didn’t have any reason to, and i owe her, as a friend, for that.

I am, when i reflect on it, bitter about a great many things. i really have gotten fucked over a great many times. and i really have consistantly backed the wrong ponies. i know i’m not the easiest person to get along with, but i always let people know where they stand, and i do stay out of the way of people i don’t like on a personal level.

but when you stay above gossiping at jobs like the ones that i have held, all you really do is disarm yourself totally against gossip. its almost as if you have to fuck with people to get them to have the urge to defend you, as if, in principle, we shouldn’t just generally be aiming to do the thing that is most right and fair.

i’m preaching. i really, though, do see myself always giving all to make a friendship better, a workplace better and easier to work in–in general, i try to make myself useful. i may give too much, or neglect to give where, when or what is wanted, but i respond to redirection. and if the systems just aren’t compatable, congratulations i say, lets just stay out of each other’s way.

I’ve been doing handyman work for money, and while i enjoy it, it isn’t steady. period. i expect to be waitering somewhere by around the new year. i’ll be sending out the bartender resume too, and of course will hope for a good job, but i will happy to just make enough to not have to take anymore of my savings.

I hope things with lisa, and your home, have been good.

i hate to return to this at this point, but i would like to get those books back. i’m pretty sure i have a few of yours which i will look for. i have a vehicle, and can pick them up, or you could mail them. either way is fine.

it is a cool picture.

it so doesn’t matter to me if you hide the last post or not. ditto for this one.

i wouldn’t call what i’ve been feeling lately anything of a success, moderate or otherwise. its been different, and bad and crazy ideas still rampage on through my mind like wild, headless, beasts. its been different in the sense that i actually do realize that i’m not worthless, and when i’m in a bad spot, sometimes i do have the right to blame people other thasn myself. sometimes.

it may seem like a nanoscopic revelation, but after a few years of reclusion, self-imprisonment, and unchecked self assessment, pretty much all negative, it was a pleasant change to realize i was feeling like i wasn’t the problem for once.

thanks a lot for getting back to me; it meant a lot to me, as many people have utterly lost interest in my well being.

i too, have tried to read your blog, and i too, have hit that wall where aside from wishing well, i’m not connected to the action enough to comment.

some night next week, if its not a hassle, i can take a ride by after doing some work–i’m working in east orange anyway. sure, we can grab a beer, food, whatever. just let me know the address, and a phone number to call. if next week is bad, really, montclair isn’t that far, and neither is jc. we can work out a meeting that doesn’t screw with either of our predilicitions or obligations.