Why, dear God, why would I subject myself to it? I mean, it is #29 on IMDb’s Bottom 100 list (just 2 spots below everybody’s favorite alien invader movie featuring Ol’ St. Nick). But what can I say – House of the Dead was on last night, and I just couldn’t pull myself away from the crappiness. To say that such crap-infused crap is all encompassing does not even began to describe the crap upon crap which runs through such a piece of crap. Are you starting to get the gist?
I think I just didn’t believe Mark’s review. Maybe I thought the whole “splicing in clips from the video game” was metaphorical or something. I mean, afterall, who would do such a thing? Do I even have to say the name – Uwe Boll. I’m dead serious, there were all of these “scenes” where a zombie would jump up, and then they would cut to a crappy, pixelated view from the game of a completely different zombie being killed, and then jump back to a crappy, live action view of said zombie being killed in a completely different, yet also crappy, manner.
And the 360 degree spins? Dear God let it stop. Let’s see, we would have people pulling out a gun, and then the camera would spin crappily around them in a “we couldn’t afford the the guys from The Matrix, so this is what we could pull off on our Video Toaster” kind of way before they would actually shoot anyone. Then they seemed to be doing some sort of intro for each character during one big fight. Each “actor” got their own solo 360 spinning crap shot. And it actually made even less sense if you had seen it. The one girl was shooting with a pistol when a zombie came after her. Suddenly it shifts into “not quite Matrix” mode and she’s brandishing a SHOTGUN at said zombie. Then we get back to real time and she’s crouching, surrounded by THREE completely different zombies, whom she kills with one shot from her magic shotgun.
Did I mention that when someone died they actually had a cut death scene? Yup, you guessed it – in 360 degrees of crappy spinning goodness. Surreal does not even begin to describe how bizarre those shots were. Then again, pure crap does not even begin to describe how bizarre those shots were. I kept waiting for one of them to turn into a baby or something and the word “BABEALITY” to appear across the screen.
I was laughing so hard at one point when you could actually see the spring board used to launch one of the zombies during his traditional “zombie jump” maneuver. Why could these zombies jump so well? I guess it was because someone littered the camp grounds with these stupid spring boards. Man was that a bad idea.
And poor Kira Clavell, who shall henceforth be remembered as “That stupid Asian bitch in the dumbass American Flag costume”.
But there was of course one highlight (or perhaps two 😉 ) – Ona Grauer. Dear God in Heaven, thank you for that! Not only does this woman have perhaps the greatest name ever, but just look at her! And most of the second half was her running around in slow motion. Why could they not have figured out this formula sooner? I mean, why even bother with the zombies in the first place? The movie could have just been an hour and a half of her running around in slow motion and I’d be buying the 2-disc special edition right now. All I can say is that if there is any true justice in this world, there will be far more movies featuring the amazing “talents” of Ona Grauer in the future.
Such a bad movie deserves no less of a bad summary: House of the Dead? More like House of the Crap!
Again, my words go unheeded 🙂 Seriously though, it would be hard to make a worse zombie movie. My greatest fear is that he moves on from a mediocre House of the Dead franchise and sinks his raping fangs into the Resident Evil series.
… and I just NOW remember that they already made 2 sub-par Resident Evil movies. *sigh* I guess my brain had blanked them out, Milla jovovich and all.
At least RE4 for the gamecube still looks good.